Even with everything that had happened, I'm grateful for the life I have.
And I'm certainly grateful for the things my family has done for me.

I really need someone to talk to me about tonight. Talking about it usually makes me feel better.
I still am feeling sick to my stomach, and I know it's not the food.
But, I think I'm going to have to leave this as it is, for now.

The worst part is; This is probably the last Christmas we'll have as the four of us, and that doesn't bother me.

I'm over holding back in saying things I need to.
This is becoming more than an occasional resentment.

You taking the time to do that for me really is going to be the best present I receive all day.

I mean, these sweats maaay be a close second. Just maybe, but still, nothing compares to what I just received.

You truly are the best, and I don't even think you realize how great that was for me.

Man, I sure do love you.

In fact, that'd be a great way to get my savings going.
Now that'd I'm earning money faster, it'll happen either way.
Just haven't that cash in the bank would help me in many, many ways.

As much as I love this guitar, I hope my dad sells it.
Over a grand for my dad and myself each wouldn't be half bad.

Jealousy strikes.

My custom guitar is almost done. It's playable, I just need the string tree put on and to screw in the tuners.
I can't decide if I will sell it or not. I mean, $2500 would be nice split between my dad and I, but we'll see.

I've been accomplishing a lot lately.
Getting things done.

I think working around someone who is in a more 'time is money' mindset is really helping me.
It's allowing me to progress myself and is going to help kick my trouble with procrastination.

I've been feeling better about myself as of late.

You've been helping.

I miss both my girls. I have since the second I had to watch you walk back inside.

I only love, care about, and am committed to you.
You're perfect to and for me.

You're the only person who ever crosses my mind.
And certainly the only person who makes me smile every time.

I'm trying really hard to give you the space you need and want.
I'm doing the best I can.

That's what you do when you love someone like this;
You try, and you try as hard as you can.

I haven't cried this hard since the day I broke down with my mom.
I still haven't told you about that day.

I don't know how this is happening or what to do..
I don't know what to do with myself.

I never wanted this to happen. We are so perfect for each other.. I've never been so certain about something.
I pray and hope that I will have you in the end.
I will always support you, even with all these emotions in my head.
I love you, Jaleesa Kristie Versluis. I love you so much.
I love you and Aj.. I really do.
Just please keep me somewhat included. I can't be cut from you two.
Even if I'll be giving you all the time you need, I still must hear how things are and hear about her and about you.
I just want to be included and hear about the two girls I love most, when I can.

Today, it rained inside of me.
I will always hope and support you in finding where you want to be. No matter what.
I love you. I love you so very much. I will love you, no matter.
I'm all yours, if you're all mine, and I don't mind if we take our time.
To me you're worth any wait I would have to endure, especially if you are making yourself more internally happy.
You're always worth the wait.

I hate the failure I'm ending up as.
I'm so fucking lazy and insufficient.
And crying won't get me anywhere.

I don't want to say things on the internet because it's just whining. Yet, I have no other outsource.

I started punching myself again.

Maybe I'm stuck going nowhere. A life that amounts little to nothing.

I just need someone to talk to.

I can't say I'm excited that my mom is home, but I did miss her.
I definitely needed the break from her. I was getting strung out with stress.

At least I won't be home as much, I'm going to be looking into finding work and taking care of school more this week, so that should keep me busy.

I'm not having a Christmas at all this year, but I need to get a job if I want to get presents for the people I really need to.

I have a lot of ideas for everyone.
I have most ideas for Jaleesa. They're great ideas, too. At least I think so. Even if I'm not going to have a Christmas I want to show her how much I care and that I'm happy to have her in my life at these times. She's really brought me up from what would be a huge downslope in my life.

First, I have to pay my mom back for the money she lent me, but after that all money I make will go directly to taking care of those I need to.
Then I have to save some money for a new iPod seeing as mine is dead. Then I'll work on getting a head case. I could really use one considering I don't have a back plate for mine. All in due time.

First things first, a job and Christmas presents.

We can make it far if we try. If we really put ourselves into this.

Despite fears that we both have, we can.

I'm definitely down to have Hayden do my Giving Tree tattoo.

I wish I still had that book.
I really need to read it right now.

You know what?
I am better than this.

I had nothing to worry about in the beginning.
And I was only sabotaging myself and that will stop.

Everything will be just fine, for once!