Tuesday, November 1, 2011

I'm not very outward about all the stuff that goes on inside me.
I'm certain my mom has a bi-polar disorder, I'm just hoping that I'm not developing one as well.

I feel the need to express the overwhelming happiness that Jaleesa has brought me.
It's unlike anything I've ever experienced or felt in my entire life.
I don't think I've even been this lucky, or lucky at all.
She doesn't believe me when I tell her she's my dream girl, and she probably never will.
I can't say that's okay, because I wish she would believe me, but I can't just convince her.
I would go to the ends of the Earth to do so, though.
She brought up the point that this should be something I use to look back on and remember how I was feeling.
I want to remember exactly why I find her to be my dream girl. I don't think I will ever forget, but I want to be able to write it down, as hard as it may be.
She is literally the sweetest girl I have ever met. And she may think that I am exaggerating when I say these things, but I'm not. She truly is the sweetest girl. I've never met someone so genuine and true. Someone I could trust so easily. Someone to keep me safe. Yeah, she hurts me, but that's how relationships are. It's more me hurting myself because my mind is so fucked sometimes and I can't get over my insecurities, but I'm trying really hard for her. She protects me and makes me actually feel good about myself.. That's one thing no one has ever even tried to do. Even my own mother has put me down. Made me feel incredibly low, and Jaleesa isn't like that whatsoever. She brings up every time I need it. Maybe tonight she can't, but she has her own thoughts to worry about, I wish I could help her like she helps me. Sometimes I'm so insecure, I think she's going to get sick of the distance and sick of me like everyone else does and leave me. Like she thinks I'm not completely in this or that I'm just a worthless piece of shit like everyone else does. I don't know what she thinks, but I'm confident that if she does stick in this with me I can make her happier and more content than anyone else could. I can keep her and Adele safe. I mean, that's what it's about. It's not about being happy, happiness is temporary. It's about being content. And I feel as though I will always be content while with her. In silence, in laughs, in hard talks, in anything. And I know I can make her always content while with me. It's one of the first times I've had confidence of any sorts. She doesn't realize how much I dream of her, and how much I've dreamed of someone like her before we've met. When I tell her she's my dream girl, I mean it down to my bones, because I truly did dream of feeling this way and experiencing this and meeting someone like her. Just thinking about it leaves me overwhelmed with emotion. She leaves me overwhelmed with emotion a lot, and I tell. I don't know if she realizes this means that I'm so full of emotion that I could cry, that I could tear up. It's not a bad thing, crying feels really good. It's always positive. She makes me positive. I mean, I'm a really negative guy, but she makes me hope. She makes me want to get up in the morning. She makes me want to get a job. I want a job so I can make money so I can buy her things and eventually move in with her. I want to buy her presents for no reason. Christmas will be here soon, I want to get her a really nice iPod touch, I pray to have enough money. I'm trying to get the $700 dollars Lloyd and Trish owe me, and hopefully sell some things I don't need. A job would be much preferred though. I want to spoil her, because to me, she truly is a princess. Her and Adele are, and they deserve to be treated so. Jaleesa makes me feel warm inside, which is saying a lot coming from such a cold man. She makes me want to be nicer to those around me. She makes me not want to hate myself and not feel like such a failure and a fuck up all the time. She makes me feel handsome and like I can be something. Something for her, something for myself. She has a truly good soul. And that's something I never thought I'd say about anything. She's the best mom I've ever met, and she probably wouldn't believe me if I told her but she is. She's perfect. Inside and out. She just helps me through every day. One day I'll be closer, and I'll be able to take care of her as much as she takes care of me. That too, she does everything to take care of me. No matter what, she's loving and caring and she's proven she'll sacrifice for me and to make me feel good. I hope she knows I would sacrifice so much for her. I want to move to her, and fall asleep with her every night. I mean, she's the girl I lost my virginity to. The first girl I've ever made love to, and that's something I thought wouldn't happen for a very long time. She made me fall in love with her. Despite this, I would give anything to just hold her every night. No sex, no worries, no words. Just us, and feeling our embrace. Because she makes me feel okay. She's just so generous and nurturing. I'm sure she gained this quality becoming a mother. She's simply a good person, and is always happy to lend an ear to someone in need and give advice when asked for or when needed. She's just there, not only for me, but for anyone. She's just made a huge impact on my life, whether she sees it or not. And you know, sometimes she doubts her looks, and it doesn't make sense to me. She has the just absolutely gorgeous red hair, and this beautiful smile. Oh, when she first smiled at me in person and I first got to look into those mesmerizing eyes.. I grew weak at the knees. Really, I was shaking all over. Oh, and she has this soft, pale skin, and these cute freckles all over that just accent her smile and her little dimples and sweet cheeks. She has great style and taste in music. That's something I've never had either, a girl who had a good fashion sense or taste in music. I mean, it's not a huge deal, but it's nice to have that in common. In fact, she has an incredible taste in music. I feel like I could just sit and listen to music with her and just hold her, or just listen to music while playing with her and Adele and just be so completely happy. Also, physically, she hates her body, despite it being absolutely ravishing. I mean, I don't want to sound like a pig and go into detail, but it truly is just as beautiful as the rest of her is, which is saying an incredibly lot. From her cute, smooth stomach to her toned back to her long legs, she just screams sexy. She's just simply immaculate, there's no comparison when it comes to her. Inside and out. She's done nothing but show me how perfect she is. She doubts herself, but I don't get it. Because I only see great things when I look at her. And I'm not just being biased and blinded by love, I felt all these things when we were just getting to know each other. I've truly taken a liking to this woman and fallen so madly in love with her. I feel like I could have a home with her, something I've never had. Yes, I could potentially marry this woman. As soon as it may be, it would be true. One day, I would only be that much further lucky as to call her my wife. Obviously, it will be a long while, but anything could happen. All I know is, nothing has ever brought me the feelings she has. I noticed I puched myself in the head less when she saw me play.. Which, may be weird to call out, but it just proves how much better about myself I have began to feel and I know this will only continue. She is my perfect girl. My beautiful girl. She will always have my full attention. I just love her.

This doesn't even begin to cover it, as well. This will definitely be expanded as time goes on.

Oh, and I'm making her this mix CD to mail to her with a love letter after I receive mine, and I've been slowly saying lyrics to the songs in everyday talk and I don't think she's noticed. Even in those last few sentences I did. I hope it makes the difference when she hears the songs and recognizes the words.

I love you, Jaleesa Kristie Versluis.

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