Even with everything that had happened, I'm grateful for the life I have.
And I'm certainly grateful for the things my family has done for me.

I really need someone to talk to me about tonight. Talking about it usually makes me feel better.
I still am feeling sick to my stomach, and I know it's not the food.
But, I think I'm going to have to leave this as it is, for now.

The worst part is; This is probably the last Christmas we'll have as the four of us, and that doesn't bother me.

I'm over holding back in saying things I need to.
This is becoming more than an occasional resentment.

You taking the time to do that for me really is going to be the best present I receive all day.

I mean, these sweats maaay be a close second. Just maybe, but still, nothing compares to what I just received.

You truly are the best, and I don't even think you realize how great that was for me.

Man, I sure do love you.

In fact, that'd be a great way to get my savings going.
Now that'd I'm earning money faster, it'll happen either way.
Just haven't that cash in the bank would help me in many, many ways.

As much as I love this guitar, I hope my dad sells it.
Over a grand for my dad and myself each wouldn't be half bad.

Jealousy strikes.

My custom guitar is almost done. It's playable, I just need the string tree put on and to screw in the tuners.
I can't decide if I will sell it or not. I mean, $2500 would be nice split between my dad and I, but we'll see.

I've been accomplishing a lot lately.
Getting things done.

I think working around someone who is in a more 'time is money' mindset is really helping me.
It's allowing me to progress myself and is going to help kick my trouble with procrastination.

I've been feeling better about myself as of late.

You've been helping.

I miss both my girls. I have since the second I had to watch you walk back inside.

I only love, care about, and am committed to you.
You're perfect to and for me.

You're the only person who ever crosses my mind.
And certainly the only person who makes me smile every time.

I'm trying really hard to give you the space you need and want.
I'm doing the best I can.

That's what you do when you love someone like this;
You try, and you try as hard as you can.

I haven't cried this hard since the day I broke down with my mom.
I still haven't told you about that day.

I don't know how this is happening or what to do..
I don't know what to do with myself.

I never wanted this to happen. We are so perfect for each other.. I've never been so certain about something.
I pray and hope that I will have you in the end.
I will always support you, even with all these emotions in my head.
I love you, Jaleesa Kristie Versluis. I love you so much.
I love you and Aj.. I really do.
Just please keep me somewhat included. I can't be cut from you two.
Even if I'll be giving you all the time you need, I still must hear how things are and hear about her and about you.
I just want to be included and hear about the two girls I love most, when I can.

Today, it rained inside of me.
I will always hope and support you in finding where you want to be. No matter what.
I love you. I love you so very much. I will love you, no matter.
I'm all yours, if you're all mine, and I don't mind if we take our time.
To me you're worth any wait I would have to endure, especially if you are making yourself more internally happy.
You're always worth the wait.

I hate the failure I'm ending up as.
I'm so fucking lazy and insufficient.
And crying won't get me anywhere.

I don't want to say things on the internet because it's just whining. Yet, I have no other outsource.

I started punching myself again.

Maybe I'm stuck going nowhere. A life that amounts little to nothing.

I just need someone to talk to.

I can't say I'm excited that my mom is home, but I did miss her.
I definitely needed the break from her. I was getting strung out with stress.

At least I won't be home as much, I'm going to be looking into finding work and taking care of school more this week, so that should keep me busy.

I'm not having a Christmas at all this year, but I need to get a job if I want to get presents for the people I really need to.

I have a lot of ideas for everyone.
I have most ideas for Jaleesa. They're great ideas, too. At least I think so. Even if I'm not going to have a Christmas I want to show her how much I care and that I'm happy to have her in my life at these times. She's really brought me up from what would be a huge downslope in my life.

First, I have to pay my mom back for the money she lent me, but after that all money I make will go directly to taking care of those I need to.
Then I have to save some money for a new iPod seeing as mine is dead. Then I'll work on getting a head case. I could really use one considering I don't have a back plate for mine. All in due time.

First things first, a job and Christmas presents.

We can make it far if we try. If we really put ourselves into this.

Despite fears that we both have, we can.

I'm definitely down to have Hayden do my Giving Tree tattoo.

I wish I still had that book.
I really need to read it right now.

You know what?
I am better than this.

I had nothing to worry about in the beginning.
And I was only sabotaging myself and that will stop.

Everything will be just fine, for once!

My dad and I had a really big talk last night. About what's going on. We both want out of this town. He wants to go to either Phoenix, Arizona or Austin, Texas. The only problem is what my brother wants to do. Tuacahn is a really good school for him, but my dad couldn't wait another three years to leave this town. Not to mention he'd have to go, get settled, then have my brother come down. Maybe he could stay with me in Salt Lake, then once my dad gets money I could take him down there before another year of school starts, but that's just an option. I guess it all depends on what he wants.
My dad agrees that it'd be way better for me to go to Salt Lake as opposed to Cedar and is by far better than staying in St. George. I could actually be successful and happy in Salt Lake and he sees it. Plus, where I would end up living seems to be a really nice part. Easy, safe, secure, inexpensive, and most of all a really great place to raise a family. Even if Jaleesa wouldn't want to move in together right away, I would still want to be in Salt Lake. The city is just flat out better and there is so much more opportunity. I mean, I truly hope she wants to move in with me, but that's a long ways off. I know that I really want to have a life with her. I've never been so sure about anyone.

She pushes me to be such a better person. I've already been doing so much better in the two months we've actually been dating.
Lately, I've been pushing myself to get school taken care of. Today I finished off another half credit, so I have four or less to get done. If I keep this pace up I could be done by January.
I'm going to ask my dad to leave me the Rodeo tomorrow so I can actually go look for applications. I was hoping to today, but the van didn't have enough gas for me to drive around.
I'm going to apply at Ross and quite a few other retail stores. I wish I could end up at a place that I would actually be approaching customers and selling to them, but I just need any form of work at this point, regardless of pay. I just need to get some saving started if I really want to take moving seriously. I need a job to show Jaleesa how serious I am.

I'm getting on top of this. I have to.
A job, my diploma, and my family, I can get this worked out in these upcoming months.

I'm glad I have Jaleesa here to support me through all of this.
Last night she told me more about her worries. About how Adele really loves me and how she's scared that if we break up it'll break Adele's heart.
I won't break either of those women's hearts though. I couldn't. I'm much too in love with the both of them, and the idea of having a family with them to go anywhere.
It made me so happy to know that Aj really does love me, too, because I really do love her.
Jaleesa and Adele are my girls, and I intend to keep it that way.
I'll fight as hard as I can to keep them.
They are mine, and I am theirs.

I love them with all I have.
And I won't ever take them for granted.
I appreciate them to no extent, and will forever be grateful to so much as have them in my life.
I mean it when I say I'm lucky.
I'm in love with the two most perfect girls in the world, and I couldn't be more blessed.

Well, today, my mom decided to schedule me a dental cleaning. Except, it's for today.
So not stoked.
Especially since she decided to wake me up at 8:30 for no reason, then plan it.
Hopefully I still have the drive to go to school and practice after, since I already had to get up when I was trying to fall back asleep to take my brother to school this morning.
I'm happy to do it, but not when I'm woken up twice in one hour with little sleep. And when he just awkwardly hovers over me for three minutes.

Oh well, this is probably good.
Like I said, I just hope I still have the drive to go to school still. That's all I'm worried about.

I'm purely lucky to have someone that will make time to whip my mind into shape.
I'm unbelievably grateful, honestly.

My girlfriend truly is the best in the world.
I love her so incredibly much. I really love her.

I'm thankful to have life.

A pretty good one at that.
And it will only get ultimately better from here on out.

It's almost funny how so many things remind me of you, and now even more will.
I finished doing the dishes and now my fingers are all pruny, even that reminds me of you.

I realize that I get overbearing sometimes, but I just can't help it.
I care so much about you and think so much about you, I don't want to let you go.
And people have left so abruptly before that my mind tricks me into nervousness when I know everything is fine.
I don't get it.

But I'm getting better at deflecting those thoughts and just realizing how truly content and genuinely happy I am.
I don't think I'd be here today if it weren't for you. And now having grown so much closer to your daughter has only pushed me further into who I've always wanted to be.
A wealthy man.
Not wealthy by monetary standards; but by happiness, intelligence, contentment, strength, care, love and brilliance.
I guess when someone so magnificent walks into your life, that you look so far up to, it's hard not to grow. Not to better yourself.
I still have many things to improve. My motivation grows every day though.
Problems regarding money, distance, clinginess, and time will all disappear. Which, is fine by me.
I know I can overcome my bad habits to make this work, I've never had something I've wanted to work so hard for.
I'm jumping on getting a job and finishing my school, just like I planned.
I mean, it's for myself, but you both are becoming a large part of me.
I know that between us we can be successful and strong, I know that we can do anything.
We actually deserve each other.
How I got so lucky, I have no clue, but I'm thankful for every second you are in my life. Even just for you to be in my constant thoughts, I am grateful.
You just leave me feeling very full at basically every moment of the day.
I guess that's why I get clingy. I don't want that to stop, and it's hard for me to not express that I think so much of you and think of you so much. I just get excited to have someone so special to me.

I'm working on this, though.
I'm going to try to limit the random texts (I've already been trying to make my texts stop going over one page, it's always been a problem), realize that you need space when you're irritated in person (now I know so I can actually give you the space), as well as give you the necessary room needed when we're not in person. Stop trying to weasel into phone calls. It's so hard to not ask about your day and tell you how much I've missed you and am wanting to see you and feel your bones.
I suppose it's mostly trail and error, I'm just working on correcting the errors.

I'm even trying to improve my health. Work on my hygiene. Get my teeth clean and get my body healthy.

I'm using actions instead of words to show you how serious I am about you and making things work with you. I'm crazy about you, honestly and obviously.

I've been trying to not talk too much about your daughter and our time spent together to my friends, I've already reached my annoyance limit, I can tell. There's just so much I have to say about my past trip.

I don't think I've ever had a better vacation. Not my trip to New Orleans, not any of my trips to California, not even touring up into Idaho and Montana. It's was simply better.
And I know the trips will only get better. I can't wait until they're not longer trips.

I've also been trying to work on saying the work 'just' less. I don't understand why I even use it so much.

I'm going to work really hard at getting a job sooner, a big reason is that Christmas is coming up. I'm pretty sure I'm going to be giving you gifts well up until Valentine's day, I'm sure. Whether they're for Christmas still or not, I'll let you decide. I just like getting you surprises. It's not that money buys happiness or will keep you with me, I just like doing those little things. Whether I spend money or not.
I've decided the next thing I get for you will be the big one. I want to give you something you can really use, and I think this will be practical. And I know you want to workout and get healthier more, so I think this could also help with that!
I don't know what else I'll get you, I have a bunch of little ideas. Most will probably have to be executed in person, but I'll make it happen.

I'm trying incredibly hard to move our lives in the direction we deserve to be moving in. Not that I'm trying to control your life, we've both made what we want clear, and I'm going to see this until the end.

I won't take this for granted. I won't take you for granted, I won't take her for granted, I won't take us for granted, I won't take this family and this life for granted.
I appreciate you, more than you probably could imagine.

I never knew I could feel a love like this, it's brilliant. You're a magnificent woman, and I'm lucky to be by your side. I hope I never have to leave it.

I'm thankful. That's as simple as it is.

Happiness.

I just spent the past 4/5 days in West Jordan, Utah with Jaleesa and her family, including her daughter, Adele.

Coming home just makes me realize how much I just want to be back there. Through ups and downs it was completely perfect and I really want to make a real family out of what we have. I mean, it's already basically a family, but to the point to where we are living together.

Even my mom pointed out that I now have more incentive to move up there now.

I'm definitely jumping on this and making things work out.
First things first, a job.

I'll speak more of this later, but for now, all I can say is that this trip was perfection. I'm so in love with Jaleesa and it only grows every day. I already feel love and compassion for Aj, as well. I guess it seems as though something could really work out for once. I don't want to jinx it, but I really do.

I just feel like I'm the luckiest man in the entire world. If not, the universe and further.

I'm finally about to be on my way. I said I would absolutely not give up.

I've never dealt with anything so frustrating.

I'm sick of being such a fucking letdown.
I can't and won't let myself be one this time.

This matters way too much to me to just get over.

This Thursday I'm driving up to Salt Lake to see Jaleesa.
I'm beyond excited, I can't even fully express how I'm feeling nor begin to!

She's been so sweet and lovey lately, I'm loving it.
We have so many great things planned, I'm sure I'll only fall deeper and deeper in love with her as the minutes pass.

I'm meeting Adele and her family as well.
I'm hoping they like me. Especially Adele, that's what really counts. Jaleesa has reassured me, but it's still scary and exciting. She's the cutest little girl, so I definitely want to be on her good side.

Whenever I call parents sir or ma'am, I assume they think I'm kissing their ass, when I'm being sincere. I just picked it up when working at Westwind, so hopefully Jaleesa's parents don't think I'm just feeding them bullshit. Either way, it'll be nice to finally meet them. I just pray they approve of me.

I finally sold my wireless, which is good. I never use it, I have no need for it. Although, I have much need for the money it will bring me. I want to spoil Jaleesa. I bought her this really cute sweater I think she'll look really good in. I guess we'll see. I'm going to try and save more money to buy her dressesand other cute clothes and an iPod touch. But this will be a good starting gift.

I couldn't find anything I felt comfortable sending her CDs in, so I'm going to bring those and her love letter up with me, along with a few extra things I hope she'll like!

I'm just really in a good mood because of her. She's just the very best to me and I truly am lucky. She's just perfect, and I'm so in love with her. I'm getting really excited for us to live together. When she moves here I'll only be that much luckier.. (Don't ask me how I could get any luckier, but she'll make it happen.)
Living with her and Adele.. It'll be truly amazing.
This is the best relationship I've ever been in. We're 4 hours away from each other and we're in my healthiest relationship. I love it.

I'm just so blessed and grateful for having her in my life.

I love you, Jaleesa Kristie Versluis. That can't and won't change.

Sometimes I worry because of what happened, but I know to trust you.
I know we'll make it somewhere.

All I want to do is help.

All I want is for you to trust me. I'm not lying, I'm not going behind your back, I'm not doing any of these sketchy things. Anything that does happen isn't intentional either..
I don't want to hurt you, or hurt us. At all, ever.

I love you, and only you.
I care about you, and only you.

And I'll do absolutely anything to show you that.

I think I need to keep this private to only Jaleesa and I.

I lost all ways to vent, so this will be good.
That way Jaleesa doesn't have to always hear me bitch.

I'll always go to her when I need her, but for pointless bitching I know she won't want to hear, this can take ear to that.

Even if I did assume and make an ass out of myself, I still had a reason to assume.
You always are quick to put hoes over bros. Oh well, my bad.

This is exactly why I don't consider you a 'best friend' or make any effort at all to hangout.

Good knowing you have my back and support Jaleesa and I, but whatever, this is cool too.

Why do you even talk shit and act like you're on my side if you're just going to go be cool with her?
I mean, Mauricio I understand, I didn't talk to him about it and he's actually been really good friends with Carlye for a long time, you weren't even great friends with her in the first place.
Don't talk shit if you're just going to go back on it.

This just shows how much you change for/around women. It's fucking annoying.
Quite trying to be the cool guy and being all about the attention, back your friends up for once.

Whatever, this is nothing new.

Last night, I talked to my pop about tripping up to Salt Lake. As long as we get the front end of my van looked over I can go at least from the 17th to the 20th. I'm beyond stoked, I get to spend all four days with Jaleesa, besides when she's at work, and take her to see Seahaven.

Not only do I get to spend time with her, but I get to meet her beautiful little daughter, Adele. As well as the rest of her family. I'm nervous, but it's a really good step, I just hope they like me. Jaleesa is incredibly reassuring and is making me feel a lot better about meeting everyone. They do all seem quite nice.

I just can't wait to feel Jaleesa fall asleep on my chest, and to look her in the eyes and kiss her and have deep talks with her again. She really makes everything feel so great.
I just love her and truly feel more and more blessed and lucky every single day.
She's the girl of my dreams.

I'm not very outward about all the stuff that goes on inside me.
I'm certain my mom has a bi-polar disorder, I'm just hoping that I'm not developing one as well.

I feel the need to express the overwhelming happiness that Jaleesa has brought me.
It's unlike anything I've ever experienced or felt in my entire life.
I don't think I've even been this lucky, or lucky at all.
She doesn't believe me when I tell her she's my dream girl, and she probably never will.
I can't say that's okay, because I wish she would believe me, but I can't just convince her.
I would go to the ends of the Earth to do so, though.
She brought up the point that this should be something I use to look back on and remember how I was feeling.
I want to remember exactly why I find her to be my dream girl. I don't think I will ever forget, but I want to be able to write it down, as hard as it may be.
She is literally the sweetest girl I have ever met. And she may think that I am exaggerating when I say these things, but I'm not. She truly is the sweetest girl. I've never met someone so genuine and true. Someone I could trust so easily. Someone to keep me safe. Yeah, she hurts me, but that's how relationships are. It's more me hurting myself because my mind is so fucked sometimes and I can't get over my insecurities, but I'm trying really hard for her. She protects me and makes me actually feel good about myself.. That's one thing no one has ever even tried to do. Even my own mother has put me down. Made me feel incredibly low, and Jaleesa isn't like that whatsoever. She brings up every time I need it. Maybe tonight she can't, but she has her own thoughts to worry about, I wish I could help her like she helps me. Sometimes I'm so insecure, I think she's going to get sick of the distance and sick of me like everyone else does and leave me. Like she thinks I'm not completely in this or that I'm just a worthless piece of shit like everyone else does. I don't know what she thinks, but I'm confident that if she does stick in this with me I can make her happier and more content than anyone else could. I can keep her and Adele safe. I mean, that's what it's about. It's not about being happy, happiness is temporary. It's about being content. And I feel as though I will always be content while with her. In silence, in laughs, in hard talks, in anything. And I know I can make her always content while with me. It's one of the first times I've had confidence of any sorts. She doesn't realize how much I dream of her, and how much I've dreamed of someone like her before we've met. When I tell her she's my dream girl, I mean it down to my bones, because I truly did dream of feeling this way and experiencing this and meeting someone like her. Just thinking about it leaves me overwhelmed with emotion. She leaves me overwhelmed with emotion a lot, and I tell. I don't know if she realizes this means that I'm so full of emotion that I could cry, that I could tear up. It's not a bad thing, crying feels really good. It's always positive. She makes me positive. I mean, I'm a really negative guy, but she makes me hope. She makes me want to get up in the morning. She makes me want to get a job. I want a job so I can make money so I can buy her things and eventually move in with her. I want to buy her presents for no reason. Christmas will be here soon, I want to get her a really nice iPod touch, I pray to have enough money. I'm trying to get the $700 dollars Lloyd and Trish owe me, and hopefully sell some things I don't need. A job would be much preferred though. I want to spoil her, because to me, she truly is a princess. Her and Adele are, and they deserve to be treated so. Jaleesa makes me feel warm inside, which is saying a lot coming from such a cold man. She makes me want to be nicer to those around me. She makes me not want to hate myself and not feel like such a failure and a fuck up all the time. She makes me feel handsome and like I can be something. Something for her, something for myself. She has a truly good soul. And that's something I never thought I'd say about anything. She's the best mom I've ever met, and she probably wouldn't believe me if I told her but she is. She's perfect. Inside and out. She just helps me through every day. One day I'll be closer, and I'll be able to take care of her as much as she takes care of me. That too, she does everything to take care of me. No matter what, she's loving and caring and she's proven she'll sacrifice for me and to make me feel good. I hope she knows I would sacrifice so much for her. I want to move to her, and fall asleep with her every night. I mean, she's the girl I lost my virginity to. The first girl I've ever made love to, and that's something I thought wouldn't happen for a very long time. She made me fall in love with her. Despite this, I would give anything to just hold her every night. No sex, no worries, no words. Just us, and feeling our embrace. Because she makes me feel okay. She's just so generous and nurturing. I'm sure she gained this quality becoming a mother. She's simply a good person, and is always happy to lend an ear to someone in need and give advice when asked for or when needed. She's just there, not only for me, but for anyone. She's just made a huge impact on my life, whether she sees it or not. And you know, sometimes she doubts her looks, and it doesn't make sense to me. She has the just absolutely gorgeous red hair, and this beautiful smile. Oh, when she first smiled at me in person and I first got to look into those mesmerizing eyes.. I grew weak at the knees. Really, I was shaking all over. Oh, and she has this soft, pale skin, and these cute freckles all over that just accent her smile and her little dimples and sweet cheeks. She has great style and taste in music. That's something I've never had either, a girl who had a good fashion sense or taste in music. I mean, it's not a huge deal, but it's nice to have that in common. In fact, she has an incredible taste in music. I feel like I could just sit and listen to music with her and just hold her, or just listen to music while playing with her and Adele and just be so completely happy. Also, physically, she hates her body, despite it being absolutely ravishing. I mean, I don't want to sound like a pig and go into detail, but it truly is just as beautiful as the rest of her is, which is saying an incredibly lot. From her cute, smooth stomach to her toned back to her long legs, she just screams sexy. She's just simply immaculate, there's no comparison when it comes to her. Inside and out. She's done nothing but show me how perfect she is. She doubts herself, but I don't get it. Because I only see great things when I look at her. And I'm not just being biased and blinded by love, I felt all these things when we were just getting to know each other. I've truly taken a liking to this woman and fallen so madly in love with her. I feel like I could have a home with her, something I've never had. Yes, I could potentially marry this woman. As soon as it may be, it would be true. One day, I would only be that much further lucky as to call her my wife. Obviously, it will be a long while, but anything could happen. All I know is, nothing has ever brought me the feelings she has. I noticed I puched myself in the head less when she saw me play.. Which, may be weird to call out, but it just proves how much better about myself I have began to feel and I know this will only continue. She is my perfect girl. My beautiful girl. She will always have my full attention. I just love her.

This doesn't even begin to cover it, as well. This will definitely be expanded as time goes on.

Oh, and I'm making her this mix CD to mail to her with a love letter after I receive mine, and I've been slowly saying lyrics to the songs in everyday talk and I don't think she's noticed. Even in those last few sentences I did. I hope it makes the difference when she hears the songs and recognizes the words.

I love you, Jaleesa Kristie Versluis.